Horror-scopes

Recently we found James shivering on the floor. “I’ve seen the colour of the angels' blood," he said. “And it radiates out of me”. Another Tuesday, another acid trip. We sat him down at the type writer. When he finished getting off with it he had a vision. “I can see into the future,” he said, eyes gleaming with the wrath of fury. This is a transcript of what he typed.

Aries: Today you will meet a tall dark stranger, his name is Dracula and he wants to drain your body of its tasty iron rich blood. Phone in to find out why the sign of the cross might be lucky for you.

Taurus: You are going on a surprise trip today, Taurus. Unfortunately you are crushed under the 47 bus and taken to A&E. Phone to find out why Conservative spending cuts might spell trouble.

Gemini: You might find it hard to concentrate today after you are tested positive with HIV. Phone to find out about getting in contact with a long lost lover.

Cancer: Shock horror today when mad scientist Dr Gogol sews the hands of a serial masturbator to yours. Phone to find out why buying Vaseline might be lucky.

Leo: Good news Leo, you can push the paranoid thought out of your head today, because you will find out the government really are watching you. Phone to find out why water boarding might be unlucky for you.

Virgo: You can be the most charismatic of the zodiacs Virgo, but it also causes you to receive unwanted attention. Phone to find out why The Knickerbocker Glory killer might cross your path today.

Libra: You might be in need of an existential plumber when the beating of the heart in the floor boards becomes more than you can bare. Phone to find out why staring into the man’s old eyes might be bad for your health.

Scorpio: You will find yourself a little more down to earth today, after free falling from the plane. Phone to find out why packing a parachute might be helpful to your health.

Sagittarius: A need to change your plan means you may arrive home early upsetting the plan of a mysterious stranger. Phone to find out why the calls might be coming in from inside the house.

Capricorn: You are not a conventional lover but you express this in the only way you can. So many woman, your head should be swimming. Phone to find out why the Juwes are the men that will not be blamed for nothing.

Aquarius: There is lots of positive energy heading your way today. Especially from the heavily ionized canon of a nearby UFO. Phone to find out why “if you build it, they will come “might be a bad idea.

Pieces: House searching can be exhausting. But good news Pieces! You find the ideal home today and you will reside there for eternity within the walls of Hill House. Phone to find out why walking means you will walk alone.

You can contact We've Become Mango for more information on 1-800 MANGO, or find us on twitter @wevebecomemango and Facebook. Stay safe, folks!