Hidden Household Hens and Where to Find Them

Ask an ordinary street person on the pavement what they think about toilet hens and they’ll probably slap you around the chops or do a little wee. To settle all the shrieking hysteria, We’ve Become Mango conducted an interview with a very real guest in their state subsidised camper van. His name, Professor Henrich Henderson, Professor of Hens at St. Hen’s University in Henley. Here are the questions what we did:

Some of the uneducated bums audience members at home might not know what a toilet hen is. Could you give a brief description?

Toilet Hens or Loo Chickens or perhaps Little Clucking Lavatory Lunch-monsters are tiny versions of farmyard hens which have evolved to develop gills and live underwater.

And could you explain how they came to live in the toilet?

Well in around 1976 when National Village Idiot of the Year, Mr Idiot, let all his hens into the house and then tried to drown them one by one in his toilet as he claimed they wouldn’t stop verbally abusing his family. The hens, instead of drowning, rapidly shrunk to a fiftieth of their original size and adapted themselves to live underwater.

How can I tell if my toilet is infested with hens?

Listen for bubbling clucking or clucking bubbling. It will be very faint so may need an ear trumpet or suitable Toilet Amplification Device*. And if you do hear something the most sensible thing you can do is panic. Maybe tear out some of your hair in a stressful manner, light an aromatherapy candle or shout in the face of an elderly family member when they ask if you'd like a wee piece and ham.

How do I take care of my new found Toilet Hens? What do they eat?

They feed off human excrement and urine, obviously.

Is it really that simple?

The only problem that may arise is if you overfeed your new pets. Obese Toilet Hens or Fatty Fatty Cluck Clucks are in fact the biggest cause of toilet blockage which even the most skilled toilet surgeons find difficult to shift. They also carry a rather nasty strain of the plague which almost instantly turns your skin to a shredded wheat-like substance.

That sounds tasty.

It isn't. It's incredibly painful and cannot be digested.

Can toilet hens fly?

No.

Not even for a little bit?

No.

Do you want a cuddle?

Oh go on then.

(The interview abruptly ended at this point when Professor Henderson employed a hugging technique that was altogether too penile.)

If you have any further questions about this or any other topic in the entire world, feel free to contact We've Become Mango via the usual channels. 

*We’ve Become Mango suggest, the We’ve Become Mango Toilet Noise AMP, available at the bargainous price of just £73.73 pounds and pence and can be found at all good retailers.