Horror-scopes

Recently we found James shivering on the floor. “I’ve seen the colour of the angels' blood," he said. “And it radiates out of me”. Another Tuesday, another acid trip. We sat him down at the type writer. When he finished getting off with it he had a vision. “I can see into the future,” he said, eyes gleaming with the wrath of fury. This is a transcript of what he typed.

Aries: Today you will meet a tall dark stranger, his name is Dracula and he wants to drain your body of its tasty iron rich blood. Phone in to find out why the sign of the cross might be lucky for you.

Taurus: You are going on a surprise trip today, Taurus. Unfortunately you are crushed under the 47 bus and taken to A&E. Phone to find out why Conservative spending cuts might spell trouble.

Gemini: You might find it hard to concentrate today after you are tested positive with HIV. Phone to find out about getting in contact with a long lost lover.

Cancer: Shock horror today when mad scientist Dr Gogol sews the hands of a serial masturbator to yours. Phone to find out why buying Vaseline might be lucky.

Leo: Good news Leo, you can push the paranoid thought out of your head today, because you will find out the government really are watching you. Phone to find out why water boarding might be unlucky for you.

Virgo: You can be the most charismatic of the zodiacs Virgo, but it also causes you to receive unwanted attention. Phone to find out why The Knickerbocker Glory killer might cross your path today.

Libra: You might be in need of an existential plumber when the beating of the heart in the floor boards becomes more than you can bare. Phone to find out why staring into the man’s old eyes might be bad for your health.

Scorpio: You will find yourself a little more down to earth today, after free falling from the plane. Phone to find out why packing a parachute might be helpful to your health.

Sagittarius: A need to change your plan means you may arrive home early upsetting the plan of a mysterious stranger. Phone to find out why the calls might be coming in from inside the house.

Capricorn: You are not a conventional lover but you express this in the only way you can. So many woman, your head should be swimming. Phone to find out why the Juwes are the men that will not be blamed for nothing.

Aquarius: There is lots of positive energy heading your way today. Especially from the heavily ionized canon of a nearby UFO. Phone to find out why “if you build it, they will come “might be a bad idea.

Pieces: House searching can be exhausting. But good news Pieces! You find the ideal home today and you will reside there for eternity within the walls of Hill House. Phone to find out why walking means you will walk alone.

You can contact We've Become Mango for more information on 1-800 MANGO, or find us on twitter @wevebecomemango and Facebook. Stay safe, folks!

Joy in the Hole

Hello Mango fans. It’s Wednesday, it’s blog day and it’s sunny which makes it time to cook up a Joy in the Hole.

Joy in the Hole was invented by The Right Honourable Lord Winchester Faggot Jr the 2^nd Earl of Twelchford during a prolonged game of Dandy Racket Ball. In his first book Peering into Peerage and other essays (see Appendix 1), Lord Winchester had this to say about its creation:

“It was a fine summer’s day, high on life and opium. We were joined by The Tertiary Twins a set of identical triplets, two joined from the hip to torso and sharing the same liver - a constant source of argument, one was fond of the drink, the other was a great believer in temperance but both agreed on being arduous bores. The other sister who didn’t look like her siblings despite being identical to them, was radiant. The type of beautiful you see occasionally whilst musing over the Reader’s Digest in the WC, but never in a public house or amongst one’s peers. Since the cook was away for the weekend, I took her in to the kitchen and, finding only left overs, I utilised them to make some Joy in the Hole.”

He completely forgets mention what the ingredients and the cooking method are. We believe it’s similar to an upside down cake, but the right way up. What we know for sure is that the pastry based comestible took London by storm. Jack Rat, a famous satirist of the time wrote this poem:

On a heady evening stroll

In the streets the crowds cajole

That those who languish on the dole

Delight in fulfilling their only goal:

To share in the glee of Joy in the Hole.

Nowadays Joy in the Hole has fallen out of fashion, a lot like laudanum and Madonna’s sex appeal. We’ve Become Mango like to indulge whenever possible, however, and we’re always happy to share with our adoring fans. Find us on Facebook and Twitter (@wevebecomemango) for more information!

Queef you later folks.

Appendix 1: 1883, WBM Printing Press, available in all good book stores

A Very Mango Tale

Hello Mangoes, how's it going?

We have another little update for you on the progress of our lives as we endeavour to become mango. It was revealed to us by ourselves that we have around 50 shows booked from now until September. Needless to say we all briefly died of shock before reviving and coming up with a hot, celebratory dance routine. Anyone who will be in Balham, Buxton or Edinburgh in the next few months, keep your nostrils peeled for our arrival!

In other news, we were out driving in our fashionable horse and cart last week, taking in the crisp spring air and several ridiculously large flies along the way which meant by the time we stopped, our hunger was satiated, but we had one hell of a thirst between us. Luckily we'd pulled up outside the public house pictured below.

Forward we henced and into the Fanny & Mirkin, desperate for a long, refreshing beverage. Inside it was deserted but for a bowl of elderly wasabi peas and faint smell of the ocean.

This is what Richard said:

And then James said:

And then Marianne said:

There was no reply. It was very silent. There were no sounds. It was eerily quiet. So quiet in fact that you could have heard Jodi Foster coming out of the closet. The volume of the place was sneaky. And then James said:

Richard started crying, because he doesn't like change. His tears fell like Simon Cowell's spirits when he realised that no matter how much re-constructive facial surgery he goes in for, he will never escape the fact that he is Simon Cowell and he still looks like a knitted version of a person.

James walked around the bar. He stopped and did a double take the way he might do if this were all just dramatic fiction. Then he said, "WHAT THE EFFIE TRINKET?!" 

Marianne and Richard ran around to see what the matter was. Here is a photograph of what they saw:

As it turns out, the dolphin (Ambrose) had come here from Vietnam on a tourist visa and had taken over the licence from his mate Darrek when he moved to Mauritius. The reason there were no other customers was because everyone in the village was racist.

We shared some drinks with him and then hit the road feeling refreshed.

THE END.