Let's Put An End To Drunken Goat Acupuncture

Every week over eight thousand million billion thousand goats die in the UK and over eighty million thousand hundred million and 4 of these die in very silly circumstances indeed. I am of course referring to drunken goat acupuncture – the new craze which has gripped thousands of inebriated men and women whilst stumbling through their own vomit on the dark trail back from the ethanol outlet.

Now we've all felt the need to administer alternative therapies to defenceless farm animals in our day today lives. Whether it's homoeopathy on a hen or reflexology on a wren, it can certainly be a lot of fun and can have some hilarious consequences, but is chicken karma really better than chicken korma?

More and more of us are awaking to find our beloved late night deep-fried mystery meat outlets are being replaced by shady inner-city farms, with MacDonald's conspicuously still managing to be the market leaders. For as little as 5 pieces of silver and an Allan key, they will hand over a complete goat and needle set - no questions asked.

Certain addicts will house 20-30 goats at once, all in states of semi-relaxation, some doing that thing where they shout like a man. However, for many casual users, drunk acupuncture is not second nature and many will end up just sticking needles in wherever they'll fit as they struggle to find the correct meridians. Goats know when they're being sold dodgy therapies and will probably start doing that thing where they shout like a man again. Some just lose control all together and pick a fight with a fridge or leave in search of the Scottish Medicines Consortium to register an official complaint.

This sort of mindless kiddie fiddling has to stop. Goats are for food and Youtube. Together we can put an end to this tomfoolery. Together we can make sure Old MacDonald had a farm. Eee-eye, eee-eye, oh.