How to Become Mango

Procrastination was invented in 1982 during Mrs Thatcher’s reign of terror (may Satan rest her soul). Consequently, like all children spawned in the late 80s/early 90s, the three of us are incapable of managing our time productively. This means that most WBM meetings pass in a blissful state of postponement. So, just in case you’ve run out of lives on Candy Crush Saga or you’ve looked at one too many Honey Boo Boo gifs, here are the We’ve Become Mango Top Time Wasting Tips for Twenty One Three.

1: Spot the Not-Helen Mirren

This is a WBM favourite. Choose a large wall in your house, flat or cell. Cover it with low-grade images of Dame Helen Mirren. And when we say “cover it”, we mean literally; no half measures you stingy bastards. Within the collage, hide a picture of someone who is NOT the talented Dame. It could be anyone; your mum, a dung beetle, or Richard’s primary 3 teacher, Mrs Pubelove. The choice is yours! Have your friends study the wall and try to spot the not-Helen Mirren. You will have between 6 minutes and 8 years of meaningless fun, guaranteed!

2: Hire a life coach

WBM chipped in together to get a life coach, we don’t need one, but we just wanted someone to annoy at will when we are bored. We like to ask her really difficult and deep questions like, “We want to buy a garden gnome, but we don’t have a garden. Can we live with you?” or “Can you spot the not Helen Mirren?” or "Are we there yet?" or "How do you cope with that feminine feeling?" She’s had a 6 nervous breakdowns so far. We’re starting to wonder if maybe she needs a life coach herself.

4: Slap yourself cock eyed 

This is a game we invented one quiet Tuesday night. You gather around in a circle with up to eight players and each take it in turns to slap yourself. The first player to cause irreversible damage to the alignment of their eyes is declared winner. Fainting, vomiting, and crying are frowned upon and will usually lead to disqualification.

5: These are my uncle’s wrists

Yet another wonderful game we invented. The rules are really simple: first, take a picture of our uncle’s wrists and then show them to strangers. Points are gathered on a reactionary scale. Complete indifference garners 1 point, while nuclear war will earn you a cool 600. Needless to say Kim Jong Un was particularly impressed by Uncle Ben’s wrists.

Well thanks for reading, hopefully you too will be able to while away your afternoon in a torrent of nothingness, just like us! And if this wasn't enough for you, you can find more of our amusing antics

here: http://www.facebook.com/wevebecomemango

here: https://twitter.com/wevebecomemango

and here: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCDwDRyoHVUJlVyiImqkGsgQ?feature=watch